I like my dentist. He is a friendly middle aged Yankees fan who has a bustling practice in North Portland. Dr. Dentist hires personable, professional staff who are quick with a laugh and pleasantly attractive. Going to the dentist in my adulthood hasn’t proven to be the nightmare it was during my childhood. Before I turned 18 years old I had 8 fillings, 5 adult teeth extracted, four years of orthodontics and one gum graft surgery. I have been gassed, Novacained and x-rayed to the point where I believe it has caused some damage that will be symptomatic when I approach 60. To be sure that my childhood experiences where not to be repeated, I have waterpicked, flossed, brushed and bleached my teeth to be cavity free for nearly twenty years.My teeth gleam in my diligence to avoid the needle. The needle in my gum needle. I hate needles. My dental appointment at 7am was to replace those childhood fillings that were now starting to be want of repair. I smoked a joint on the way in.
7am Monday morning dental appointments I often have a tendency to be late for. This morning I awoke at 6 am in panic shock, having realized that I needed to make a 45min trek to the dentist, for an appointment I had forgotten. I quickly brushed my teeth cursing at myself for most likely being late yet again. On the road I was sandbagged by construction traffic and startled by the text at 6:15 am from the dental office as a reminder of my appointment. Texting appointment reminders is brilliant especially for marijuana ninjas.
I made it to the Dental office 20 minutes early, how I don’t know, but that is the way of the ninja.
Lately, there has been a lot of “two steps forward, three steps back” with medical marijuana laws (for those cliche’ lovers out there wheee hoo) so I have been doing on the spot random surveys of to find those who don’t smoke marijuana or are marijuana averse (which tends to be a rarity in these parts). When I asked Dr. Dentist about his take on recent federal crackdowns violating state laws on medical marijuana dispensaries I was surprised by his reply:
“I think it should be illegal. They don’t need to add to the list. When does it stop?”
“But, alcohol is legal and that wasn’t always the case…” I gurgled
“Look I had a teacher reefer (you catch that) a bunch of other teachers to my practice I had up north. It was great to have all of their business and I scraped enough hash off the back of their teeth to keep you stoned for a year. I used to smoke it in college but I still think it should be illegal. It isn’t good for you.”
Boom- out came the needle. I averted my glazed eye to avoid watching it plunge into my gum. I was pretty fucking high about now, more so in a twitchy paranoia state, feeling as though my friendly Dr. Dentist had now turned on my pot smoking “criminal” ass. That is probably the most important reason to my why we should legalize marijuana…. to make otherwise law abiding marijuana ninjas no longer ninjas. Stoned or not the needle hurt, feeling every finger of Novocaine forced into my gum tissue by the syringe’s plunger. My jaw was engulfed in a pulsating burn and the taste of sweet chemical in my nostril. Dr. Dentist likes to wait until the Novocaine kicks in before he starts drilling my replacement fillings.
“Hash teeth or not I am sure those teachers were good teachers, no?”
“I wouldn’t want my kids going to that school. Pot is a drug. Those people are on drugs and they are teaching my kids. I don’t agree with that.”
“That is what I mean. It makes law abiding citizens, criminals for partaking in something they grow in their backyard. Weed doesn’t cause domestic violence. You don’t become a more aggressive driver…. or person… no one has said let’s get high and get in a fight.”
“You are comparing alcohol to marijuana. Alcohol is bad too. So is cigarettes. I just don’t think we need to add to the list.”
Out came the mouth guard to keep my mouth open. The device wasn’t uncomfortable and left my face in an open gape. I thought this could make a good sex toy (note to Google that later).
As Dr. Dentist drilled and scraped and removed my fillings he went on to add to his opinion on legalized marijuana. We were not going to agree so I just sat back and enjoyed hearing a dissenting view from some one I respected. Generally going to the dentist isn’t a pleasant experience. But going to the dentist slightly stoned…. a little less inhibited… can be enlightening.
This conversation on marijuana wasn’t the first I had in Dr. Dentist’s office. 6 months ago I had a similar encounter with his very hot dental hygienist. She had pictures of Amsterdam on the ceiling that her patients could look at while she worked. She had a delicate perfume and dainty nose ring, a small gold globe the size of a pinhead, to let you know she had a little bad ass to her. That conversation went a much more interesting route than that of Dr. Dentist.
MARIJUANA NINJA TIP- When on the road, smoke an apple bowl. Pipes and papers can be considered “paraphernalia” so smoke an apple then eat it or give it to the squirrels.
MARIJUANA NINJA TIP II- When on the road bring lots of apples.